Ramblings on a Sunday morning

Had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. So much stuff happening in my brain that I couldn't relax. Thoughts about the past sorta bringing me down a little, as this will be my first Christmas and New Years single since... well, since high school. Thoughts about the present are both happy and sad - but more happy than sad, which keeps me going. It's probably the thoughts about the future that do the most to keep my mind spinning as it has been.

Most of my life I've had this strange inner drive to move to Oregon - more specifically, the Oregon coast. The natural beauty and slower pace of life were a part of that desire, but beyond that there was something deeper that I couldn't ever explain. There wasn't a day that I didn't think about eventually moving there - it was almost like an obsession. It felt as if the idea were implanted within my DNA and I was doomed to semi-obsess over it for the rest of my life. At some point over the last 6 weeks, this inexplicable impulse suddenly stopped.

I don't remember what day it was. I didn't notice what time it was. All I know is that I've been reprogrammed. And all the dreams I had for myself and my future are no longer important or have been forgotten about. They fell away without a fight.

This revelation has me reeling, and quite frankly, I'm frightened. One would typically expect that major life changes such as this to take some time to develop as time went by. The part that scares me is that my feelings for wanting to move up there were actually getting stronger just before they disappeared. Prior to that, the urge to go there was like a fist around my heart, squeezing it tightly. Even now, I cannot explain how much or how deeply I wanted to move to Oregon. It felt ancient, as though something was there that I had to return to, but I didn't know what it was. Now it's gone.

There's now a sense of frustration about my present and future. It's uncertain. I so want some things, but can't have them, at least not yet - or maybe I never will. Where in the past, I'd just do something or say something to try and make things happen, I'm forcing myself to wait and see. It's been very hard some days, like today has been. I really need to see all I can right now and it's so hard for me to do it. Everything within me sees what it wants, but in order to be fair to myself, I have to get out there and experience things I haven't yet. It's the only way that I'll be sure of what I want to do in the future.

I talked to a friend about how I've been feeling lately and she told me that she was both happy and sad for me. It wasn't until I heard it that I realized I felt the same way: happy and sad. The happiness is definitely outweighing the sadness, but unfortunately they're doomed to be associated with the same thing for now.

This entry was yet another cryptic and vague expression of my feelings.