You fucking broke it

What the hell is wrong with me? What is it that holds me back from just feeling love and enjoying life? Why is it that when something - someone - so good comes around I can't open up? I'm not stupid, I'm not uncaring, I'm not oblivious - yet I seem to be unable to let go of "what if?".

• What if it's still too soon?
• What if things don't work out?
• What if I meet somebody else and fall for them?
• What if I'm not sure I'm ready for this yet?
  
• What if I get involved too deeply and then have a change of heart?
  
• What if I hadn't said "I love you"?
• What if I had just shut the hell up and not press for answers?
• What if I had just left well enough alone and just fallen asleep?
• What if I'm risking the loss of the best thing that's ever going to happen to me?
  

People dream of having an almost effortless relationship with somebody that is positive and uplifting. A relationship where both people want the best for the other and offer support to one another. Two people that are attracted to each other and are able to enjoy sharing that attraction. I have that with Shannon, or at least had it until last night.

This is a case of me looking something good in the face and saying that it isn't good enough. How messed up is that? What is holding me back? I fear that I've broken Shannon's heart with my honesty; She openly gave it to me and I carelessly broke it.

I need to think long and hard about things. Rece is away at camp for the week, which provides me with plenty of time to reflect and think things through. Where's the "easy" button when you need it? Bah!

This entry brought to you by an idiot with his head up his ass.