Technically, the divorce isn't official until the papers make it to the courthouse, which should happen within the next week or two. Having spent a few moments thinking about it, I feel as though tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders, though, somewhere in the back of my mind, I do feel some sense of loss.
It was just over 16 years ago that I met Sherise. She sat behind me in English class our senior year of high school. We were both very different back then. It's amazing how when I look back at the person she was back then, I get a smile on my face. She was bubbly and fun to be around. We had a blast when we were together, despite the difficulties that we each had going on in our lives. It was some of these very difficulties that probably brought us closer together.
Being young and knowing everything is a tough responsibility. The logical thing we decided upon was to get married. Sure, this made sense. We loved each other tremendously and brought so much joy to one another - so why not? A year and 1 month after our first date we were married.
The first year was alright. I can't say that it was newlywed bliss, because it wasn't. We struggled like anybody else, but we somehow managed to make it. The second year was when the weight of my decision first started to press down on me. The honeymoon was over and we just couldn't seem to get on the same page about things - important or otherwise. I stuck in there, hoping that things would eventually get better. We make it 3 years and then Sherise is pregnant. At this point I honestly felt stuck - and I do mean stuck. Due to my procrastination and my sense of obligation, I felt as though I had locked myself into the marriage.
Rece was born in September of 1994. Rece wasn't planned - I prefer to call him a "surprise". From the moment he was just a tiny lump inside Sherise, I loved him. It was this love for him that kept me hanging in there, time and time again. My dissatisfaction for my marriage was beginning to show through and I wasn't the best husband to Sherise... but I stuck in there.
Fast-forward to 1999, when Sherise and I were finally at our wit's end and managed to split up for a couple of months. It was rushed and not carried out very wisely (go figure), and I couldn't stand to see what was happening to Rece. I caved in and tried to take another stab at making it work. Church didn't help. Counseling didn't help. Self-help books didn't help... but I stuck in there.
Late 2003, I came to the realization that no matter what happened, I just didn't want to be married to Sherise any more. It was finally sticking in my mind and my will was bent towards finally ending it. Sherise didn't make it difficult for me, as she was starting to have to cope with a lot of emotional and self-actualization garbage that she had been ignoring most of her life. I won't get into everything that happened during 2004, but it was just the incentive I needed to end it.
2005... a new year... a new beginning. We finally came to the realization that it just wasn't going to work anymore and there was no going back. Sherise moved out some time in late March/ early April and started filing. I was served with the divorce papers sometime in April.
These feelings of loss come as a surprise to me. I mean, this was something that I had invested more time into than anything else in my entire life! There's a nagging sense of hurt, which is mostly just bruised pride at having failed at something so big. Don't get me wrong, I'm not down in the dumps about all this, but if I'm to be honest with myself I have to acknowledge the feelings I'm experiencing.
Today I'm looking at life more optimistically - well, as optimistic as I'll likely ever get. I'll throw myself into being a good dad. Hopefully I can help him learn to deal with life better than I did. Maybe I'll be especially lucky and he'll have learned from my mistakes.
This entry snuck up like a ninja when the writer least expected.
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